Here it is: Worst of Houston Awards!

Here it is: The 3^rd Annual ‘Worst of Houston’ award for the year of 2007. Rather than send smoke our advertiser’s asses or go through the proverbial shoulder rubbing with some sort of ‘best of’, we feel it is incumbent upon us to educate our fellow Houstonian’s as to the most dastardly, devious, deceitful elements of our city. So utilize, enjoy, and be sure to spread rumors far and wide.

Awards below are arbitrarily based upon hyperbole, rumors, bull-scheizzer, and sometimes facts.

Worst Blunt Object: HPD Nightstick
Yes it’s true that there seems to be some coherent policy behind the systematic eviction of homeless people trying to sleep anywhere downtown or else anywhere near rich people’s houses, but who do we blame? Some think we should focus on the cops themselves, or their commanders who give them their orders, or the city officials who tell the police which laws to focus on

(is there a big crack down on human trafficking in this port city? NO,) or even the real-estate interests that pressure the city to keep their areas clean of unclean people. But let’s focus on the actual source of the problem and not get distracted by all that. The cops use their nightsticks to nudge these people awake, and then tell them to get out of the area. Let’s blame the sticks.

-Nick Cooper

Worst Example of Flagrant Greed and Shortsightedness on the Part of a Real Estate Developer: Ashby High-rise
Where better to put a 27-story residential high-rise than at the corner of a couple of two lane streets that can't be widened, in the middle of a residential neighborhood that doesn't want the damn thing? That's almost as bad as running a train down Richmond Avenue...oh, wait.

- M. Martin

Worst Trend in Montrose: Overdosing

We’ve had three deaths from overdoses within the last six months, an exceedingly high number. Two were from mixing cocaine with various other things and one was from heroin. Local bar-goers and scenesters treat these people like celebrities instead of like the town idiot. But what happens when you take a bunch of cocaine and heroin? You die. Duh.

This last entry has caused quite a bit of stir as a result of it's apparent insensitivity. Here is a letter we recieved from a bereaved, loved one of someone who overdosed.

Worst Barometer of Art : Houston Chronicle
The Houston Chronicle fired its entire Art Staff in late November including thirty-year veteran Patricia Johnson. The Hearst-owned paper will be pulling art stories from the waiver wire in the future, providing Chronicle readers with no information about anything going on in town besides celebri-slut Shelby Hodge’s notes from the aristocratic parties of oil barons and plastic surgeons.

Johnson had been writing since Houston galleries were struggling to sell abstract paintings to collectors in the 70’s. She documented the founding of every major alternative space in town including the Lawndale Art Center and Diverseworks, and grew into holding a powerful position in the 90’s when marketing companies monopolized her attention and marginalized the little guys. With a send-off mention of the Artcrawl, Johnson broke the trend and stuck up for the little guy for once—it was great to see that many people had cut out the map from the paper and were trudging through the warehouse district enjoying the best art festival in Houston.

The good news is that bloggers are picking up the slack with their own priorities. Besides, no one reads the Chronicle—their consistent trend is to reprint New York Times articles from

the day before, editing out any controversial sentences. Remind me, how much is yesterday’s news worth?

-Buffalo Sean

Worst Devolution in Style: Hotel Zaza

Animal print lovers unite! Zaza Hotel has covered the elegant Warwick Hotel in cheese. Between the Museum of Fine Arts and Hermann Park, Zaza has brought a little bit of Dallas hysteria to Houston.

Be prepared for money badly spent, from the zebra-striped chairs in the Tycoon room to the Fatal Charms suite, where it’s possible to indulge the George Costanza wet-dream of wrapping yourself in velvet. After the hotel opened this past summer, the best rumor of the year sprang up: that Zaza had dwarves working the lobby in plastic sombreros filled with chips and queso. It doesn’t help their image to be bathing promotional materials in hot pink and glossy fa

shion photos—this is truly a place designed for fans of Legally Blonde: The Musical.

As a side note, either the Monarch Restaurant sucks or their IT guy was fired for hitting on the hostess. How are you going to have a Press Clips webpage with zero reviews?

-Buffalo Sean

Worst New “Everybody’s Secretly Doing It” Drug: Vicodin aka Lorcet, Lortab,Hydrocodone, aka Blast
Yeah! This shit is sweeping the fucking nation. All your friends are doing it and they’r

e getting it from their parents! What a great thing to have potentially drop out of your pocket for ANYTHING else to pick up and eat. It’s totally even made what’s practically a heroin addiction justifiable because every doctor in the nation has been prescribing it for everything from muscle pains to toothaches for the last 5+ years. Sweet! Looking forward to seeing you all at the methadone clinic! This shit is to white people and the working middle-upper class what crack was to D.C.’s African community in the 80’s.

-Shelby Hohl

Worst Artworld Power Grab: Maggi Battalino at Commerce Street
How did Maggi Battalino shut down the Commerce Street Artists’ Warehouse collective? With two cops and a lawyer.

Battalino first garnered some attention this summer when she instructed two hired, off-duty police officers to remove everyone from the building during a cultural event of traditional Aztec food, dance and art. Families and children were pushed out of the building, as were residents Skeez 181 and Javier, who had organized the event. Whether she considered it or not, the surprise escalation of security at the normally relaxed art space seemed implausibly racist, and when the event organizers were evicted just weeks later they brought their story to the Houston Press.

In a short-lived court case, two guys named Skeez and Javier had no shot at defeating lawyer Frank Holcomb. The suit with the office across the street from the posh Houstonian Resort took the collective agreement that had governed over a hundred Houston artists at Commerce Street since 1988 and had it declared non-binding, meaning that Battalino could evict whomever she wanted to, whenever. When the story of the violated contract was discussed at Commerce Street, Battalino canceled several meetings and said that she was above the rules that she had signed when she joined the artists in 2006.

On November 25, 2007, Maggi Battalino was removed from all elected offices of the group of artists known as Commerce Street Art Warehouse. She promptly evicted the fourteen members who had voted against her. When sued by the members, Frank Holcomb defended his self-created precedent in court, and as of publication, Battalino still has the $14,000 that she embezzled from the collective and refuses to give restitution or explanation.

-Buffalo Sean

Worst University to Attend: TSU
The past year has been a nightmare for the other university on Scott Street. Aside from the Pricilla Slade debacle, there have been problems with the board of regents as well as with funding. Now to make matters worse the whole school is one step away from losing its accreditation. The Southwestern Association of Colleges and Schools, which determines what Texas colleges and universities are allowed to provide what degrees, has said that if TSU doesn't get its finances straight it will lose its accreditation. If this happens, all degrees from TSU will be worth less than the paper they are printed on and no one attending the school will be eligible to receive financial aid.

-Alex Wukman


Worst Restroom: Notsuoh's downstairs bathroom
I know this is a touchy category and the women's restroom at Number's has many acolytes, however you do not know true terror until you experience explosive diarrhea and have to take a dump in a death-reeking Notsouh’s toilet that has been overflowing since 2003 while some drunk scenester is peeing in the sink.

-Alex Wukman


Worst Bar Name: Beer Island
This bar name has consistently sucked since they opened. Sadly, the decor is not much better and the fact that they show sports on TV doesn't win them any points in the cool-place-to-hang category. All that doesn't matter though, because they have the cheapest drinks in town. They have 50-cent Lone Star Mondays, which means that you and your crew can get trashed for five bucks.

-Alex Wukman

Worst Construction: Heights utility work
For the last four years, some street or another has been under construction in the Heights. In fact, it has gotten so bad that the city had to open a field office just to deal with all the problems of ruptured water lines and broken cranes. Yes, some operator broke a crane on White Oak.

-Alex Wukman

Worst Use of Public Funds: TIE IPOD downloads and downtown bus station cleaning contract
After our November Metro article came out, we had so many people tell us that Houston needs light rail, that we need a train, that blah blah blah. No one seemed to understand that METRO IS MISSPENDING TAXPAYER MONEY! So we decided to restate two of the key facts from the article: First, Metro spent $90,000 on IPOD downloads and they had no data to support the expenditure. There was no market study. They didn't have any information regarding the percentage of Metro riders that own an IPOD or have regular access to one. Second, Metro gave $136,000 to a company that has nothing but a P.O. Box—B&J's Enterprise in Webster, TX. This company has no phone number, website, e-mail, or physical address and Metro gave them $136,000 of taxpayer money. And no one at Metro would justify the expenditure when asked.

-Alex Wukman

Worst Political Fuck-Up: Rick Perry's HPV vaccine executive order
This was pure stupidity for two reasons and neither of them had anything to do with public perception. The first reason is that Rick Perry doesn't have the constitutional authority to make an executive order. In Texas, the Executive branch—i.e. the office of the Governor—is extremely weak and does not have the power to issue orders that supersede the legislature. The second reason is that Gov. Perry's former chief of staff is the head lobbyist for Merck, the manufacturer of the HPV vaccine, which is a serious conflict of interest. Now all this wouldn't be so bad except we are talking about a way to prevent cervical cancer and the way Rick Perry shot his own political future. In Republican circles Perry was being discussed as a potential vice-presidential candidate for the '08 election. Thankfully, now it doesn't look like Governor Good Hair will be going to the ball with anyone. This is so because the Republicans are not completely insane. They realize that in the '06 election, he was the incumbent governor of a red state and still didn't crack 60% and then, in his state of the state speech, he proved that he doesn't even know his own state's constitution.

Alex Wukman

Worst Municipal Politician: Michael Berry
The inherently racist city-council member Michael Berry, who is a host of conservative Talk Radio, said that the U.S. should “stop the continuous apology for what was done to the American Indians.” The Houston Police Department gave him the “Councilman of the Year” award. Need I say more?
-Sousan Hammad

Worst New “Everybody’s Secretly Doing It” Drug: Vicodin aka Lorcet, Lortab,Hydrocodone, aka Blast
Yeah! This shit is sweeping the fucking nation. All your friends are doing it and they’re getting it from their parents! What a great thing to have potentially drop out of your pocket for ANYTHING else to pick up and eat. It’s totally even made what’s practically a heroin addiction justifiable because every doctor in the nation has been prescribing it for everything from muscle pains to toothaches for the last 5+ years. Sweet! Looking forward to seeing you all at the methadone clinic! This shit is to white people and the working middle-upper class what crack was to D.C.’s African community in the 80’s.

-Shelby Hohl
Worst Local Attraction Marketing: Houston Chamber of Commerce
Man seriously, what the fuck. Your favorite Press recently deployed themselves on a covert mission to a place we’re only allowed to call “Austin”, and we had the pleasure of seeing a brochure on Houston as a tourist attraction. Yeah, marinate on that for a second. Okay, what do you picture? You see motherfuckers on horses. Tumbleweeds. Dickweeds. The Houston Skyline. Katy Mills Mall. Ya’ll come back now, y’hear?

-Shelby Hohl

Worst New “Controlled Substance” Law: Possession of a gram or less gets you a felony!
Guess what Houston? All those empty “they can’t take me to jail for this” coke baggies floating around your Benzos and your Beamers could now land you a felony! That’s right, a felony! Yep, you’ll never be able to rent an apartment in your name again. You get to start adding that in on job applications. The fun will never stop! The great inevitable irony has already fallen into place though, in the form of Houston’s County Jail filling up to just shy of capacity 4 months into the passing of the law. District Attorney Chuck Rosenthal overwhelmed the judicial system so much with his new law that HE HIMSELF is now working to abolish the very law which he pressed so hard to establish. Rookies.

-Shelby Hohl

Worst New Unnecessary Metro Hassle: Smoking within 20ft of a freestanding bus stop is against the law
I don’t even smoke cigarettes anymore but this STILL pisses me off because I know that tax dollars are being put towards making the lives of Houstonians that much more stressful. Metro police *sigh*, you don’t think there is ANNNYYYTHING else you could be doing out there other than issuing citations to people that happen to be smoking somewhere kind of close to a bus stop you may not have known was even there? We all know police are made of monster blood and nazi oven fumes but here are some things you guys can do to “protect and serve” instead of “beat and annoy”:

-More effort towards finding kidnapped or missing children.

-A cop car in front of the bus allowing it immunity to traffic.

-If ever in question about how to handle a native Montrosianite-ian, have a Free Press Houston staff-member riding shotgun to teach you “the ropes”.

-Shelby Hohl

Worst Trend in Bar Names: Quasi Rock and Roll Innuendo (ex. Kobain or Zeppelin)
Whereas last year we called out single word/single syllable bar names like ‘Bond’ and ‘Next’, this year it is imperative that we make note of a very dangerous trend—douche-bag club names—before it goes too far. Two new club names in particular drive me fucking mad: Kobain and Zeppelin. Kurt Cobain would commit hara-kiri all over again if he had the chance to walk into local bar Kobain. It is packed tight with lavender-shirt douchebags that are a rare hybrid of frat boy and greaseball goombah-club types. This place is the antithesis of everything Kurt ever sang about. Shame on you. Then there is Zeppelin, a new mid-town flavor of the month. They call themselves a ‘video lounge.’ If I still practiced black magic, I would conjure up the spirit of Bonzo to slay every 50,000 Dollar millionaire in the whole place. Bottom line: Don’t capitalize on our heroes’ names unless you are willing to endure the wrath of their true followers.

-Omar Afra

Worst Statue that Forebodes the New World Order: Elder Bush Memorial
Considering the existing desperate needs of our city, it is preposterous that nearly 2 million dollars were spent on a life-size statue in honor of George Bush the father. I simply cannot think of a more vulgar use of taxpayer funds than to pay tribute to this blood-drinking son of a Nazi sympathizer. No joke, Prescott Bush was indicted under the ‘Trading with the Enemy Act’ for colluding with the Nazis. What short memories we have. However, the good news is that many a prankster have taken to covering the statue with red paint ostensibly to signify the collective blood that is on his hands.

-Omar Afra

Worst April Fool’s Joke: The Death of Alex Wukman
Last April, we thought it would be a barrel of monkeys for Alex to play dead for a couple of weeks as our April Fool’s joke on the city. We printed it on the front cover, wrote a tribute letter, had Wukman hide out a couple of weeks and waited for the calls and emails to flood in. Problem was, it worked, too well. I know. That shit just was not right. Well, we had a blast with it until some friends actually did die in the month after. Since then, whenever someone dies, as in the case of Rix Myth, folks just don’t believe us. Well, we won’t be faking any deaths again. Wukman lost a lot of friends and it was a cheap way of getting publicity. All that said, how the hell did you fall for it? It came out on April 1 for Pete’s sake?

-Omar Afra

Worst Case of Diarrhea: Tamale Guy
A dozen tamales for 6 bux sounds like a great deal but there is a price to pay.

-Omar Afra

Worst Newspaper: Houston Chronicle
These guys are the worst by default. They are the only daily in a city of nearly 5 million. That is a big responsibility and it seems they never miss an opportunity to abdicate responsibility. By its own admission, Houston Chronicle is written at a high-school reader’s level. In the last year, they let go several critical writers, started relying heavily on nationally syndicated material, and even allowed their art direction to take a lame and childish turn. Also, they are often the last ones to report on stories of local significance.

- Omar Afra

Worst Magazine: Icon Magazine
Have you seen this utter and total piece of shit? The Carolyn Farb ( 2006 Worst of Houston winner) types of our city finally have a place to huddle their collective scumfuck faces to read about abhorrently rich folks that need to dissipate their white, capitalist guilt. Imagine a glossy magazine dedicated to nothing other than bourgeois socialite garbage. Many of the other glossy mags touch on this but Icon focuses entirely on local socialites. The magazine typically covers philanthropic events from the previous month and features pictures of the attendees all holding the same glasses of white wine. Speaking of white ‘whine’, I counted two African-Americans in the entire mag that featured more than 350 people. One of the two was a valet. Get the idea? Ladies and gentlemen, this is the reason people fly airplanes into our buildings. They don’t hate our freedom, they hate our publications.

Worst Radio Station: KTRH
There’s only so good you can be if you have a Rush Limbaugh, a Michael Berry and a Sean Hannity on your airwaves. But if your main selling point on billboards is the celebration of this pathetic line-up of loud-mouthed cheerleader frat boys, well yeah, then you’re the worst.

-Nick Cooper

Worst Police Department: Pasadena

Move over HPD, Pasadena is kickin’ your ass in the ass-kickin’ department. Pedro Gonzales was released from jail at 1 a.m. and re-arrested a few blocks away from the jail an hour later. On the way to the cop car, something caused him to have punctured lungs, cuts, bruises, abrasions, and blood on his jeans. He was dead in a cell a few hours later. Pasadena Police initially blamed a slipping and falling incident and later acknowledged that maybe they had to use a bit of reasonable force. A witness to the brutality called 911, where they immediately responded by doing nothing.

-Nick Cooper

Worst Use of State of the Art Technology: The Red Light Camera Enforcement Safety Program
Ok so maybe it is state-of-the-art, just like it says in the HPD press release, but does the digital camera and detection system they’ve installed at various intersections actually reduce collisions like they say? Who knows—there’s been no study.

-Nick Cooper

Worst Attempt to Help the Environment: TCEQ
The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality (TCEQ) is about to ban biodiesel in the state’s largest markets. The decision is based on an old study about nitrogen oxide (NOx) emissions, but recently, the Department of Energy’s National Renewable Energy Lab found that biodiesel has barely any NOx emissions, in addition to having much less particulate matter, carbon monoxide and hydrocarbons. However, the TCEQ is moving ahead with the ban. Did someone leave a tank of nitrous in their offices?

-Nick Cooper
Worst Energy Reformer: Gene Green
Houston Democratic Congressman and vice-chairman of the powerful Energy and Commerce Committee, Gene Green had an opportunity to help put together the 2007 Energy Bill (one of the few things the Democrats actually accomplished). But in order to do so, of course, they took out the stuff that mattered. Continue uninterrupted the tax breaks for big oil, and impose no new standards for renewable energy. Well, at least our vehicles will have to be running on average at 35 mpg by 2020 (as if the price of gas alone wouldn’t have done that).

-Nick Cooper

Worst Governor: Rick Perry
Well yeah, and as much as he sucks, he’s also the best governor since he’s the only one, but anyway, one reason to rant about him here is his approval of the transfer of highly toxic VX nerve agent waste to Port Arthur, Texas for incineration. Governors in New Jersey and Ohio stood up for the safety of their populations by refusing to allow this agent to come through. This stuff is so powerful that 10 milligrams on the skin can kill a human. Hey, I know why Perry wants that stuff—maybe it’s cheaper or “more humane” than lethal injection. No injection necessary! Perry’s Texas is already executing more people than anywhere else in the world; now we can also impress the world with our recycling of old cold-war chemical warfare agents. In Perry’s defense, he did bow to international pressure and commute the death sentence of Kenneth Foster to life in prison. Thanks to this, we don’t have to be known as the state that executes people for having a passenger in their car who just killed someone, and Foster’s eleven-year-old daughter Nydesha gets to visit her dad in jail instead of at the cemetery.

-Nick Cooper

Worst Utility Transaction: Comcast
Comcast dot sucks. I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet. I thought Road Runner offered lame customer support until I dealt with Comcast. Try navigating phone menus, getting a customer service rep who doesn't have a clue, getting transferred to another rep with a similarly clueless nature, then being put on hold only to have the phone disconnect. The disconnect is with a company that wastes your time without remorse. Satellite television and internet cafes should offer thanks to Comcast for all the business they will now receive.

- I. P. Freeley

Worst Blog: Houston Chronicle
If they disagree with your posted opinion, they block it from all other readers except the writer. This way the writer will not know that the Chron blocked and will still post. This keeps the Chronicle's online readership numbers up.

- Stephen Coffman

Worst Moving Service: 50 Dollar Movers
This was the WORST experience I've ever had with a moving company. To summarize, they never showed up to move me. They didn't show up three times in a one week period! My mistake was actually giving them a second and third chance to move me, but I had already paid for the service and they weren't answering my request for a refund. I was left with one day to scramble and try to find another moving service. They wouldn't answer my calls or return messages. When I wrote a letter to the manager Larry, asking what had happened and telling him I was making a formal complaint with the BBB, he finally decided to respond with a threat to sue me unless I revoked the complaint and took down my blog (I didn't). I never got an explanation or an apology for why they didn't show up. They suck. I really hope you guys will publish this one and save others the headache.

- Julie Osborn